I have channeled the spirit of Gypsy Rosie Lee to bring you, dear readers, your stars for the week …

 

ARIES Born March 21 to April 19

Forget that plan for the typewriter-related book, Aries. Trust me, it’s been done to death. Instead, use a typewriter (or two) to inspire something truly original. But please keep it legal. No uni-bomber-style ransom demands, and no letters purporting to have been written by a former financial adviser to the late Colonel Gadaffi.


TAURUS Born April 20 to May 20

No bull, Taurus, some dramatic changes are ahead and they may not be what you had planned. Straighten your back before lifting that Hermes Ambassador and try not to drop it on your big toe!

 

GEMINI Born May 21 to June 21

True to type, Geminis are known for their incredible wit, their astounding intelligence and their excellent taste in typewriters. Did I mention it was April Fool’s Day?


CANCER Born June 22 to July 21

Let’s face it Cancer, the hey-day of the typewriter coincided with the hey-day of tobacco, and yes, sometimes that unsightly residue of grime and nicotine is hard to remove. Try tooth whitener, but don’t expect the keys on your Silver-Seiko-made Royal portable to scrub clean!

 

LEO Born July 22 to August 21

Egotistical Leo. Your typewriter purchase are based on emotion rather than logic. (admit it).  You bought that Aristocrat Empire only because it had a lion decal on the front.


VIRGO Born August 22 to September 22

Keep your eyes open, Virgo, and that extremely rare Sphinx typewriter you’ve been looking for will magically appear on a shelf in one of those thrift stores you frequent. Also be on the lookout for flying pigs.


LIBRA Born September 23 to October 22

Better check your IQ, Libra. Sure, a lot of electronic typewriters claimed to be “smart”, but is it smart to buy one and risk being ostracized by the Typosphere?


SCORPIO Born October 23 to November 21

On Friday, the new moon in Libra gives your transitional 12th house one last hit for the season. That means housekeeping! Do a clean sweep of your space, removing any typewriters you haven’t looked at in the last 12 months. This is unwanted typewriter clutter, Scorpio — which, naturally you will NOT replace with more typewriters, right?


SAGITTARIUS Born November 22 to December 21

We don’t have to remind you to dream big, Sagittarius — so grab yourself a 6-pitch Olympia SG3 like Mark Petersen’s at Totally Your Type. If he can lug one into a bar and keep a straight face, then so can you!


CAPRICORN Born December 22 to January 20

Capricorn, it’s time for you to Compromise, Cooperate and Collaborate. Yep, that’s called alliteration. Try it on your Trusty, Torpedo Typewriter Today!

 

AQUARIUS Born January 21 to February 19

Keep jealousy in check, Aquarius. So what if your dream of making the final cut for Cold Hard Type fell flat? Some people have real problems.


PISCES Born February 20 to March 20

Pisces, The truth serum will be flowing liberally now and you cannot tell a lie about that “bargain” typewriter that cost you $400 and turned out to be a crock of shit. 

~

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Gypsy Rose Lee (photos by George Skadding for LIFE Magazine) 

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